Chotu

14.12.2018

Like the most unexpected beautiful little things in life, he simply arrived one day. Chotu was his name.
The first few careless moments with him will always be deeply engraved in your memory as a mark of simpler times - one without much rhyme and reason, without the pretence of something logical, something with meaning and hard concrete sense. Something just for the sheer childish happiness and delight and love of it. Chotu, we will miss you. I will miss you.

Just as I look back, I recal a tiny moment of sadness and loss. He came with another - a little she - a sweetheart. But her heart was too frail to survive this ruthlessness of everything real. She just closed her eyes and said good bye. Chotu stayed, strong and willing. But maybe, this left Chotu alone to experience the remaining part of this entity called life.

Chotu, my little motu rabbit - I don't know when exactly you got that name. I guess there was no defined time, the name just started existing like the silly little things in life we don't pay a lot of attention to - but which end up mattering most to us when we reflect to the moments that have passed like footsteps on the sands of time. Mum once called you that in her love. Her warm caring voice calling you when she got back from office, asking you how you are, echoes in the back of my mind.

Mum in recent times talked a lot about Dad wishing to let Chotu away. I think he felt the pain of him being alone - only one of his kind, staying in a trap of metal bars, just living a programmed life. He wanted to let him away to his freedom. Now this brought two different (disconnected?) thought horizontals in my mind -

1. Aren't we all living in an isolated cage of programmed dynamics? Much like Chotu, we were born free, wild, notorious, innocent. But somewhere down the line, living in this cage for so long, we forgot what it meant to get out - we found comfort and security and predictability and sense and linearity and logic in this little cage we were in, and so we stayed back. We grew up, 'matured', and slowly inched towards our end. What my father provided him was an escape - only because HE could empathize this isolation which Chotu felt in his little universe.
2. Chotu was the one home when we two were rushing in our 80% of our 'lives'. Now that he is gone, a natural low surrounds me thinking how it would be all alone at home. Could he have thought about himself and let Chotu be. Instead he thought about Chotu and let himself be. How much strength does it take to surrender. I just hope for isolation to not be where Chotu was. And to walk along is my responsibility.

Closing my eyes, I hope he's jumping, snorting, feasting on the delicacies of his green veggies, munching and munching away in happiness, messing around with his fellow ones and standing strong, stubborn, and notorious with a spark of happiness in his eyes.

That you Chotu for coming into our lives, and thank you God and Dad for bringing Chotu into our lives. Farewell.

01.03.2018 Chotu comes home :-)

10.03.2018 Poser kahin ka (maine banwaya pose waise :P)

15.03.2018 Messing around with Chotu at home

17.04.2018 Did not take permission from Dad to upload this one, but did anyway as it's super cute :)

26.04.2018 Random day at the Bajaj's

02.06.2018 Chotu goes for a ride in Honda

11.11.2018 Chotu at one of this favourite hiring spots

A Recurring Question

It is not many times when I've asked this question to myself -

What is this all about? Why are we here? What's really up?

Are we here to earn and build castles, or to understand the Universe, or to understand ourselves, or to understand a higher being we call God, or to work for the common good, or to live life whatever freaking way we want to and have fun.

I don't know at this point of my life, whether I shall ever find it's answer. Or if I do find would it be a general one or specific to myself. But regardless, whenever this question pops up, I can see life flowing by and it's like a moment when you reach a bus stop, and suddenly look outside the window to see where you've come to.

Life is an opportunity to live.

Today as I left home, trapped in my own synthetic mental dialog, I saw a glimpse of death. Or more appropriately post-death. And while I drove ahead, the image of that young boy, a deceased soul, filtered the running, executing view of the Universe around me - pedestrians walking by, bikers racing around, shops opening, items being sold on road-side stalls, children going to school, mothers holding their hands probably asking them to study well.
What's the purpose of all of this if in fact one day we all have to reduce to cold flesh and dried blood. Why did I study Mathematics for hours, sat in thousands of exams, got compared against millions in competition, fought for that better seat in a bus or train, hoped for that lucky draw to bring me a tiny speck of immaterial happiness, argued with numerous believing my solutions could fix their lives, when the same fate awaits us without exception.

Then an image came to my mind - one of a Giant wheel.
Life is an opportunity to ride a huge and long and tall Ferris wheel.

We're all riding this Giant wheel of life, and we all have been given an option to live this experience the way we want to. All through these ups and downs, some of us want to corner ourselves, hide our faces and hope the ride is over soon, while others want to spread out their arms, open their eyes wide, let the wind blow them away as they shriek in sheer madness. And while we're all thinking and spinning strategies about the most optimal seat, the position of least deflection, the orientation which will provide the best comfort, being at a better or higher or worse or lower location than Sharma Ji's son, we never really know when we have to get down. When it will all just end. Maybe for you reading this, maybe for someone you dearly love. When your parents shall say Goodbye, or you'll welcome a tiny soul to occupy the seat adjacent to you - your little baby boy. The wheel still rotates, and shall forever do. But not for me or you. For our tokens are limited, and all I can do is to be the best of myself through these ups and downs and rounds and rounds. And money? Why hold it tight closer to your chest, when none shall accompany you when you get down.
For while you're on the ride, architect your life the way you want to. Don't look at other cabins because you don't belong there, and they don't belong to where you are.

If you're reading this till here, probably some of this did click with you.
Anyway, if it did or did not, I'd just say till when we're both here on the Ferris together, let's not waste any more time finding answers.

Simply put, let's chill.

Censuring Natural Myths

I don’t know the exact moment when this thought struck me. Maybe it was while saying Goodbye to Papa as he rode left from CISF towards Bareilly, slowly waving his hand with words of blessings ‘May you be successful’. I suddenly felt lost as I took a calculated right turn and drove on towards my office in Noida.

My eyes were on the roads, a part of my brain speculating best ways to dodge traffic and reach office faster, but my mind was entirely consumed by a notion so spontaneous, it infected every quantum of my conscience in that time bracket – an ‘Aha’ moment indeed.

The notion of certain natural myths we accept as a part of universal truth.

‘I’ am not one. But many.

Our lives are intertwined so complicatedly, it blinds us to how delicately each action, each moment binds us to an action-reaction couple with every single entity around us. In theory “I live for myself”. But this is like the ideal gas equation – so restricted by assumptions that it never can be true. Like ripples on surface of water, our life is always in dynamic equilibrium. Vibrations of my ripples impact my parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and enemies; in fact even those I might not even know. And but obviously theirs impact mine equally symmetrically. The intensity and nature of this impact varies. But this is what stands to define ‘Life’ at any single point in time. I visualize this as mad commotion on a water surface hit by small and big stones, each ripples an event, and each intersection of crests and troughs that mutual action-reaction impact on multiple distinct lives. This lack of constant, and persistence of disturbances in space and time gives birth to the concept of being alive – something that no science can ever perfectly mathematically model.

The x=t isn’t Infinite.

I confess being fooled by this subtle fallacy everyday - the fact that I’m going to live forever. Even when I do realize the naivety of my agreement, I face a failure to relate exactly to the concept of ‘Not being alive anymore’. The culprit is an apparent ‘slowness’ of time and the fact that we rarely look at the mirror and realize we’re a day, a month, a year, a decade older. The fact that yesterday and tomorrow seem so indistinguishable makes us extrapolate the similarity and forget to notice how our physical and mental contours entirely transform between any two points of time. Hence from when I was a kid learning to eat and speak and walk, to when I was leading conferences, travelling miles across states, and solving complex calculus - scarcely seem contained in one single life. But such is the beauty of time.

‘Infinity’ would never exist for me, not for my loved ones, not for you, not for anyone – is a painful disillusionment.

‘I will do X one day’ will never happen.

I often have unplanned talks with myself. These talks mostly concern what I’m doing and what I want to be doing. And seemingly, it is so easy to fool the heart and say “That day will come.” And so life moves on. And so life did move on when I was 12 and wanted to play infinite Tekken-3 matches, and told myself ONE DAY I’ll install a full console machine at my home when I’m grown up and earning. Life did move on when I entered college and told myself ONE DAY I will be so filthy rich, I’ll ask my mom and dad to stop working crazy hard (as they have been doing all their life), gift mom exquisite gold jewelry, dad a beastly Harley, and surprise them with exotic vacations. It is still moving on today as I sit in my cabin working on product optimization, thinking ONE DAY I’ll pack my travel bag and leave for a substantially unplanned world tour, far away from the ecosystem I’ve naturally adapted to.

Does any human ever like the concept of being fooled? Ironically that’s what we do to ourselves all the time. Though, interestingly, and painfully so, the picture isn’t entirely black or white. Such transitory dreams may mostly never convert to reality, but they keep something alive which is like fuel to our engine – Hope. It’s but unrealistic to assume everything we launch forth towards will become true. So for those who enjoy the odyssey, life is a gift. It’s that gift which makes powerful phenomenon like ‘tears of happiness’ possible, even if we’d never actually reach the destination we planned for. So at the end of my short stay on Earth, it is these moments of subtle permanence that I expect to relive in memories with eyes closed and cracked lips smiling. An endless list of God-fatherly times to the most notorious secrets which’ll perish with me.

I brought my bike to a stop in the underground parking area. Then slowly looked around. Cars were carefully parked everywhere; some had drivers sitting inside with mysterious expressions. I walked towards the entry door. Just before stepping on the stairs, I paused and looked behind. Amid the black and grey and deep blue herd of cars, my white Twister shone like a majestic unicorn.The parking guard looked at me suspiciously as a stood a minute longer than usual. Everything around me was the same. Everything but me.

Look Up!

Look Up by James Ellis.

I, Fulfilled.

1. A bed of fresh morning Roses
2. That Seagull by the Horizon far away
3. Infant bricks and mortar
4. Conquest of the Holy Ganges

5. An Existential odyssey up the Mighty Himalayas
6. Seduction in her sister's beautiful eyes

7. Unassailable exotic castle without walls
8. Tiny feet in Father's shoes
9. The Wise old King's last battle
10. Reflections on the Sands of Forgotten time

Klarke, I see you...

The Climb had been rough and he was tired. With bare feet he trudged slowly feeling the heat which soon was to disappear as the sunset was close, almost relishing the friction that scratched his feet as he traversed what was left of the tiny distance that separated him from his beloved... A sight so splendid that it blew him off...

He had reached at the perfect moment, the radiance of the sun as it turned a shade of red losing itself to the expansiveness of the pink skies as it enveloped the mighty mountains...

It wasn't just the visual but the entirety of the experience that had consumed his senses. He lived it as the breeze hit him with intensity, he breathed it ,embracing its essence that had now been ingrained deep within his soul... deep silence reverberating through him. It was an acquaintance known too well,something he felt as he paced slowly through the ghats back at Vanarasi... A oneness came about leaving him absolutely breathless and in sheer of awe of all that was him.

Soon it would be dark and the magnificence that lay in front of him would be gone Its hard to 'let Go' when it becomes a part of you,so essential to your being;a drug to the senses, benediction to the Soul Yet mortals as we are plagued with a fear to hold on.

He felt the pain as he rejoiced the exuberance of a connection felt so profound and it became hard indeed to let go

He was a Romantic, He was mighty...He was strong...
and before the darkness could completely shun all that was his,he was gone... To 'lose it' was the fear and now it was here but as he walked away he realised though its dark and the chimera of his dream was fading, yet in his heart he shall always retain the song...

What Goes Comes Back

A simple straight curve, as an abstraction of reality, was ridiculing itself in its daunting darkness. Linear was it meant to be. Linear in all local terms concerning the self, and nothing more around it. With darkness encompassing an incomprehensibly evil halo of that ecstatic blindfold, the supposed odyssey was done with quick confident steps. Exotic were the ways - those evil intentions remote and invisible. Words were no longer  meant to be, but just to be. And thus it lived, travelling as a cursed promise, hovering as vultures over a dead decaying symbol of death. Death not from hate or guilt or greed - but from love - the pure passionate pain.

That mesmerising scent of an unreachable destination gaping into the infinite with its magnificent decaying efficacy gives birth to an unresolved contradiction. Contradiction of the poison at it's source, of a gnawing realization of a painful end, of ending into the nothingness of dark empty void. The curse lived on as a prodigious disciplinary righteousness of being haunted by an ultimate inflection of my own existence.

It all came back. The poison in those veins making them blue, with eyes turning black, and face already paler than death. Drops of rain flowing down deeper into unknown depressions of implicit self-retaliation. The destruction didn't pardon or excuse too proud with it's arrogance - a merciless rage to split the skull open, to reveal what unimaginable force no longer trapped inside would smile it's final goodbye and would bleed till those lips turn white. Till there is pain no more...

Zinda ho tum

Dilo mein tum apni betaabiyan le ke chal rhe ho toh zinda ho tum

Nazar mein khaabo ki bijliyaan le kar chal rhe ho toh zinda ho tum

Hawa ke jhokon ke jaise azad rehna seekho

Tum ek dariyan ke jaise lehron mein behna seekho

Har ek lamhe se tum milo khole apni baahein

Har ek pal ek naya samaa dekhe yeh nighaayein

Jo apni aakhon mein hairaaniya le ke chal rhe ho toh zinda ho tum

Dilo mein tum apni betaabiyan le ke chal rhe ho toh zinda ho tum....

Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai...

Jab jab dard ka baadal chaya

Jab gum ka saaya lehraya

Jab aasun palko tak aaya

Jab yeh tanha dil ghabraya

Humne dil ko yeh samjhaya...

Dil tu aakhir kyun rota hai

Duniya mein yun hi hota hai

Yeh jo gehre sanaate hain

Waqt ne sab ko hi baatein hain

Thoda gum hai sabka kissa

Thodi dhoop hai sabka hissa

Aankh teri bekaar hi namm hai

Har pal ek naya mausam hai

Kyun tu aise pal khota hai

Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai....

Ehsaas

Ek baat honto tak hai jo aayi nahi

Bas aankhon se hai jhaankti

Tumse kabhi...mujhse kabhi...kuch lavz hai woh maangti

Jin ko pehn ke hoonto tak aa jaaye woh

Aawaz ki baahon mein baahein daal ke ithlaaye woh

Lekon jo yeh ek baat hai...

Ehsaas hi ehsaas hai.

Khushboo si hai jaise hawa mein tairti

Khushboo jo beawaaz hai

Jiska pata tumko bhi hai...jiski khabar mujhko bhi hai

Duniya se bhi chupta nahi...

Yeh jaane kaisa raaz hai.

Yakeen

Pighle neelam sa behta hua yeh samah

Neeli neeli si khamoshiyan

Na kahin hai zameen...na kahin aasman

Sarsarati hui tehniyan...pattiyan

Keh rahi hain ki bas ek tum ho yahaan

Sirf main hoon...

Meri saansein hain aur meri dhadkanein

Aisi gehraiyaan...aisi tanhaiyaan...

Aur main...sirf main

Apne hone pe mujhko yakeen aa gaya.

Elishia

Elishia looks at you innocently and smiles, and suddenly life glows bright as the sparkle in her eyes infects you deep inside, and you’re too moved in that instant to absorb the intensity of her vibrations all at once, so you smile back a silly smile and you know how impossible it is to look away. But then she looks away herself, and the painful pleasure that dawns upon you makes you realize the fallacy of conceptual beauty you’ve known till that point of time. That how a delicate smile could disillusion age-old concepts of love and compassion established by the wise and the old, and establish forth a new meaning behind the youthfulness of the beauty in those eyes, thus imparting a beautiful meaning to beauty itself.

She looks back at you, and amidst deep silence you say so much of the unspoken love, of how badly you could give up anything just for her to keep looking in your eyes like that. But just in that moment, she would look away, close her eyes and smile, and you ask yourself if your thoughts were too loud, for the redness of her lips and the pink of her cheeks say much more than the richest of literature could ever even dream to convey. You want to believe that she feels you, that she loves the way you hold her hand and tell her how beautifully carved her fingers are, and how every entity of His creation could envy the softness of her skin, and much more, of the softness within.

And while you’re sitting down looking at her, wishing you could freeze that moment and make it stay like that forever and maybe even more, the hard unemotional reality strikes you painfully and you know she would have to leave you now, leave you alone on those steps where every moment would make you look up at Him and wish you lived that lifetime again and again just to be with her for that one single moment. And so you’d promise yourself to live every remaining quantum of time with her to the fullest, to softly caress her, to envelop her in your love compassionate and intense. But she would suddenly feel it and run so away far, hiding her spectacular aura behind the frame of her colourful spectacles, unintentionally softening more against you, in a way touching you strongly inside in a strangely painful manner which makes you smile on the outside but burn deep down. The lips would bid goodbye, but impossible it would be for the spirit to detach. But just then, a realization dawns upon you as you embrace her for the last time - a part of your stays with her and a part of her stays with you. Forever.

29-03-2013

HE
Living that moment of purest contradiction, she stood there looking deep into my eyes. Her soft hair traced the untouched curve of her face, her smile revealed the tempting softness of her lips. Impossible it is to stay away, to not look at her, to lock that temptation, which makes me wish I could touch those lips, feel her as she was my sketch - a part of me.

SHE
There he stood in front of me as we mounted the skies and beheld the serene the enamoring stillness of the spectacle that welcomed us.
The breeze playing with my disheveled hair as I stared in the depth of his eyes and felt the rhythm of life that filled his entire being with a subtle touch...In that moment the absolute seemed close!

The Child Inside Me

Growing up is tough. But then who has a choice?
I still remember how excited I used to be as a kid, watching young men all suited up, returning from their jobs, meanwhile I fantasized about the day when I would have my own job, and could buy my own Video games, chocolates and Watch movies without bugging Mum and Papa.
Guess what. The time has come!

But something is wrong. Yes, I don't want to buy Video games, chocolates or movie tickets. I'm concerned about GPA, about Recommendations, about 10, 15, 20 LPA jobs, about the dreaded Office coffee, the Boss' grim expressions, and blah blah...but that's not what this blog is about.

This blog is about keeping the kid inside you alive. Learning to be crazy, carefree, silly and idiotic at times! Yes, it won't hurt at all! Follow your instinct, maybe help someone in need, fall in love, fall out of love, and do that over and over again till you know the real meaning of being loved - just like you learnt how to ride a cycle after multiple cycles of 'drive-then-fall-then-drive-then-fall'.

I know I loved being a kid. Being pampered by Mum and Papa. And then beaten up too :D
And I know I cannot bring those times back. But at times, I can travel non-existent wormholes and shed those layers and layers of sophistication and maturity. I can keep myself alive :)

It's lovely being a kid. To discover the little Superman, or the Barbie doll inside you. And to keep it alive. Forever.

Photographs - With my little cousin in Bareilly - 2011 :)

- K