Showing posts with label Experience. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Experience. Show all posts

Sunday, December 30, 2018

Chotu

14.12.2018

Like the most unexpected beautiful little things in life, he simply arrived one day. Chotu was his name.
The first few careless moments with him will always be deeply engraved in your memory as a mark of simpler times - one without much rhyme and reason, without the pretence of something logical, something with meaning and hard concrete sense. Something just for the sheer childish happiness and delight and love of it. Chotu, we will miss you. I will miss you.

Just as I look back, I recal a tiny moment of sadness and loss. He came with another - a little she - a sweetheart. But her heart was too frail to survive this ruthlessness of everything real. She just closed her eyes and said good bye. Chotu stayed, strong and willing. But maybe, this left Chotu alone to experience the remaining part of this entity called life.

Chotu, my little motu rabbit - I don't know when exactly you got that name. I guess there was no defined time, the name just started existing like the silly little things in life we don't pay a lot of attention to - but which end up mattering most to us when we reflect to the moments that have passed like footsteps on the sands of time. Mum once called you that in her love. Her warm caring voice calling you when she got back from office, asking you how you are, echoes in the back of my mind.

Mum in recent times talked a lot about Dad wishing to let Chotu away. I think he felt the pain of him being alone - only one of his kind, staying in a trap of metal bars, just living a programmed life. He wanted to let him away to his freedom. Now this brought two different (disconnected?) thought horizontals in my mind -

1. Aren't we all living in an isolated cage of programmed dynamics? Much like Chotu, we were born free, wild, notorious, innocent. But somewhere down the line, living in this cage for so long, we forgot what it meant to get out - we found comfort and security and predictability and sense and linearity and logic in this little cage we were in, and so we stayed back. We grew up, 'matured', and slowly inched towards our end. What my father provided him was an escape - only because HE could empathize this isolation which Chotu felt in his little universe.
2. Chotu was the one home when we two were rushing in our 80% of our 'lives'. Now that he is gone, a natural low surrounds me thinking how it would be all alone at home. Could he have thought about himself and let Chotu be. Instead he thought about Chotu and let himself be. How much strength does it take to surrender. I just hope for isolation to not be where Chotu was. And to walk along is my responsibility.

Closing my eyes, I hope he's jumping, snorting, feasting on the delicacies of his green veggies, munching and munching away in happiness, messing around with his fellow ones and standing strong, stubborn, and notorious with a spark of happiness in his eyes.

That you Chotu for coming into our lives, and thank you God and Dad for bringing Chotu into our lives. Farewell.

01.03.2018 Chotu comes home :-)

10.03.2018 Poser kahin ka (maine banwaya pose waise :P)

15.03.2018 Messing around with Chotu at home

17.04.2018 Did not take permission from Dad to upload this one, but did anyway as it's super cute :)

26.04.2018 Random day at the Bajaj's

02.06.2018 Chotu goes for a ride in Honda
11.11.2018 Chotu at one of this favourite hiring spots

Sunday, June 26, 2016

A Recurring Question

It is not many times when I've asked this question to myself -

What is this all about? Why are we here? What's really up?

Are we here to earn and build castles, or to understand the Universe, or to understand ourselves, or to understand a higher being we call God, or to work for the common good, or to live life whatever freaking way we want to and have fun.

I don't know at this point of my life, whether I shall ever find it's answer. Or if I do find would it be a general one or specific to myself. But regardless, whenever this question pops up, I can see life flowing by and it's like a moment when you reach a bus stop, and suddenly look outside the window to see where you've come to.

Life is an opportunity to live.

Today as I left home, trapped in my own synthetic mental dialog, I saw a glimpse of death. Or more appropriately post-death. And while I drove ahead, the image of that young boy, a deceased soul, filtered the running, executing view of the Universe around me - pedestrians walking by, bikers racing around, shops opening, items being sold on road-side stalls, children going to school, mothers holding their hands probably asking them to study well.
What's the purpose of all of this if in fact one day we all have to reduce to cold flesh and dried blood. Why did I study Mathematics for hours, sat in thousands of exams, got compared against millions in competition, fought for that better seat in a bus or train, hoped for that lucky draw to bring me a tiny speck of immaterial happiness, argued with numerous believing my solutions could fix their lives, when the same fate awaits us without exception.

Then an image came to my mind - one of a Giant wheel.
Life is an opportunity to ride a huge and long and tall Ferris wheel.

We're all riding this Giant wheel of life, and we all have been given an option to live this experience the way we want to. All through these ups and downs, some of us want to corner ourselves, hide our faces and hope the ride is over soon, while others want to spread out their arms, open their eyes wide, let the wind blow them away as they shriek in sheer madness. And while we're all thinking and spinning strategies about the most optimal seat, the position of least deflection, the orientation which will provide the best comfort, being at a better or higher or worse or lower location than Sharma Ji's son, we never really know when we have to get down. When it will all just end. Maybe for you reading this, maybe for someone you dearly love. When your parents shall say Goodbye, or you'll welcome a tiny soul to occupy the seat adjacent to you - your little baby boy. The wheel still rotates, and shall forever do. But not for me or you. For our tokens are limited, and all I can do is to be the best of myself through these ups and downs and rounds and rounds. And money? Why hold it tight closer to your chest, when none shall accompany you when you get down.
For while you're on the ride, architect your life the way you want to. Don't look at other cabins because you don't belong there, and they don't belong to where you are.

If you're reading this till here, probably some of this did click with you.
Anyway, if it did or did not, I'd just say till when we're both here on the Ferris together, let's not waste any more time finding answers.

Simply put, let's chill.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Mussoorie

When you look down from there, to a sheet of golden lights, you wonder about the million lives who live in the nuclei of those shimmering dots. And about the billion dreams each such life sees with open eyes every day. And about this one single dream of one single life that came true that day to see rejoice in the eyes of someone you love being there with you feeling tiny soft cold raindrops brush past her, as she strolls in the beautiful wet roads with an umbrella in her hand, in the alluring monsoon Mussoorie.

Past a two day long multi-parametric analysis on the web a month back, the venue for my Mum's surprise pre-birthday trip was frozen. A heritage stay in Mussoorie it was going to be. A week back the to and fro bus tickets were booked. All set, it was as planned and as free as it was supposed to be. I will always remember watching Mom almost jump with surprise when I broke the news after a delicious dinner one day. Then a couple of days back the Media shrieked mercilessly of ruthless rains in the state of Uttarakhand. 'Beware' they said. But rains always brought back beautiful childhood memories to me. And it indeed did transform Mussoorie to a beautiful solemn haven unlike the rustle-bustle of blind tourism that defames the erstwhile British escape in the scorching summer heat.
The transit city was Dehradun, a place with seemingly similar roads and shops and houses and billboards and dhabas and malls to the ones in the plains, yet with a freshness in the non polluted air that made you stretch your arms and inhale till it filled you with instant placidity. A taxi ride later, we reached the bus 'adda' for Mussoorie. The ride till Mussoorie was like driving through lazy fogy clouds. On the canvas of my imagination, I drew proud peaks, elegant valleys, box shaped houses set onto feeble man-made steps, distant mysterious temples all hidden exotically under the blanket of this mist.


Mussoorie, in it's first impression, with clouds heavy upon us and the rains more than possessive, was secluded. Taxi drivers who smelled of weed and local liqour swarmed around, which interestingly didn't stop them from charging outrageously for a ride lasting few minutes. The slopes were strict and it took a few seconds to reorient balance and sense of gravity. We reached Padmini Niwas for our weekend long retreat to be. The place was beautiful, more so with the woodwork, antiquity, an aura about the place with flattered you with subtle royalty. Still early morning, with hot paranthas and pickle and tea, the sound of raindrops smashing against tiny pebbles on the pathway, the absolute silence beautifully corrupted by distant chirruping of a young bird being your partner in admiration of  this natural celebration of monsoon rains.


The mall road had a living breathing life of it's own. A line of shops extended to 'infinity and beyond' selling everything you could bargain for at 2005.5 meters above sea level. Apparels, ice-cream, snacks, electronics, toys, antiques, cosmetics, footwear, medicines, bhutta vendors, and suddenly it almost seemed like slicing layer by layer of a 'mall' unwrapping the shops decorating them linearly beside the road keeping just enough space for cars to virtually battle through a swarm of gentlemen and ladies with colorful umbrellas trying to seep through the crevices of the traffic. From modest stays to colossal hotels built like a mountain upon a mountain, from square-tabled restaurants to the fully glass-ed 'Mall road view' ones, from the roadside 'extra-adrak' tea vendor to Cafe Coffee Day, from Desi 'bhutta' to Exotic continential, the wide spectrum of travelers and tourists injected the monetary fuel to keep an unexpected beast of an economy alive and moving.


The quintessential soul sister of Mussoorie was Kempty falls. Equally commercialized beehive of shops and stores selling outrageously useless stuff at times. For a family, the fall's base was well designed - carved almost like a swimming pool, though with a strong gush of chilling cold water that smashed against your shoulders. The impact of water fall expels excessive mist in the air, which when coupled with the breeze reminds you of December winter in Delhi. An endless set of stairs were to be climbed to and fro. The cab took us to two temples, the first one a modern built Indian one, and the second one was a serene Buddhist temple with a humble looking priest.


As the night drew close, like an almost conspiracy, the crowd kept growing thicker in direct proportion. I saw relief on faces of few who seemed to consider themselves pardoned from the 'wrath of the rains'. Others, majorly children, ran around frantically looking up at the sky tasting the rain drops with a prejudice-less delight. We grabbed boiled and grilled sweet corn sold alongside the roads, and walked on across the stretch. It was then when suddenly while taking a turn, you'd catch sight of the magnificent shimmering lights of Dehradun city below. Phantom clouds swam above the city like delicious cream over coffee. I wished a digital photograph could do justice to the dark scenery that lay ahead, but I knew it wouldn't so I asked myself and Mum and Aunt to capture this indescribable spectacle in their memories.


Finally it was time to close the Mussoorie chapter, and as we retreated to our hotel after dinner in one of the 'Mall road view' restaurants, our minds were elated but our legs cursed in an almost Punjabi manner. I exclaimed that such is a day's worth of spending physical and mental effort exploring and discovering something new like little children. That night as I played back snippets of memories of that day - the bus ride, misty fogy roads, beautiful sightings, delicious bhutta, jalebis, cab ride till Kempty, reading about Prayer wheels in Buddha temple, and suddenly it was a pleasant sinking sensation of giving in to sleep. I slept like a piece of log.


We packed and moved out early morning next day and boarded a bus back to Doon. While Mussoorie was a tiny self-sustaining ecosystem, Doon was a monster of a city in scale, and hence the dilemma of how to spend the last few hours of this trip. Upon recommended, we were escorted to the Forest Research Institute, and this was the second time all three of us almost jumped. The word 'magnificent' is an understatement for the architecture, the green cover, and especially the Dhanaulti mountains in the backdrop almost like an oil painting. We moved through museums experiencing rich studies on timber, forests, insects, herbs and happened to pity the University Chancellor due to some reason so silly the laughter persisted for a long time. It was an ideal place to sit down under a tree all day and think about life and it's ecstasy. But this was not that day, and so we left for ISBT, where our Volvo for Delhi awaited us. The way back home was one of reflection, and it reminded me of how the best of things are sometimes most simple and effortless.
Like this small escapade hopefully as a mark of a new beautiful beginning of endless experiential journeys. Happy Birthday Mum :-)

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Censuring Natural Myths

I don’t know the exact moment when this thought struck me. Maybe it was while saying Goodbye to Papa as he rode left from CISF towards Bareilly, slowly waving his hand with words of blessings ‘May you be successful’. I suddenly felt lost as I took a calculated right turn and drove on towards my office in Noida.
My eyes were on the roads, a part of my brain speculating best ways to dodge traffic and reach office faster, but my mind was entirely consumed by a notion so spontaneous, it infected every quantum of my conscience in that time bracket – an ‘Aha’ moment indeed.
The notion of certain natural myths we accept as a part of universal truth.

‘I’ am not one. But many.
Our lives are intertwined so complicatedly, it blinds us to how delicately each action, each moment binds us to an action-reaction couple with every single entity around us. In theory “I live for myself”. But this is like the ideal gas equation – so restricted by assumptions that it never can be true. Like ripples on surface of water, our life is always in dynamic equilibrium. Vibrations of my ripples impact my parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and enemies; in fact even those I might not even know. And but obviously theirs impact mine equally symmetrically. The intensity and nature of this impact varies. But this is what stands to define ‘Life’ at any single point in time. I visualize this as mad commotion on a water surface hit by small and big stones, each ripples an event, and each intersection of crests and troughs that mutual action-reaction impact on multiple distinct lives. This lack of constant, and persistence of disturbances in space and time gives birth to the concept of being alive – something that no science can ever perfectly mathematically model.


The x=t isn’t Infinite.
I confess being fooled by this subtle fallacy everyday - the fact that I’m going to live forever. Even when I do realize the naivety of my agreement, I face a failure to relate exactly to the concept of ‘Not being alive anymore’. The culprit is an apparent ‘slowness’ of time and the fact that we rarely look at the mirror and realize we’re a day, a month, a year, a decade older. The fact that yesterday and tomorrow seem so indistinguishable makes us extrapolate the similarity and forget to notice how our physical and mental contours entirely transform between any two points of time. Hence from when I was a kid learning to eat and speak and walk, to when I was leading conferences, travelling miles across states, and solving complex calculus - scarcely seem contained in one single life. But such is the beauty of time.
‘Infinity’ would never exist for me, not for my loved ones, not for you, not for anyone – is a painful disillusionment.


‘I will do X one day’ will never happen.
I often have unplanned talks with myself. These talks mostly concern what I’m doing and what I want to be doing. And seemingly, it is so easy to fool the heart and say “That day will come.” And so life moves on. And so life did move on when I was 12 and wanted to play infinite Tekken-3 matches, and told myself ONE DAY I’ll install a full console machine at my home when I’m grown up and earning. Life did move on when I entered college and told myself ONE DAY I will be so filthy rich, I’ll ask my mom and dad to stop working crazy hard (as they have been doing all their life), gift mom exquisite gold jewelry, dad a beastly Harley, and surprise them with exotic vacations. It is still moving on today as I sit in my cabin working on product optimization, thinking ONE DAY I’ll pack my travel bag and leave for a substantially unplanned world tour, far away from the ecosystem I’ve naturally adapted to.
Does any human ever like the concept of being fooled? Ironically that’s what we do to ourselves all the time. Though, interestingly, and painfully so, the picture isn’t entirely black or white. Such transitory dreams may mostly never convert to reality, but they keep something alive which is like fuel to our engine – Hope. It’s but unrealistic to assume everything we launch forth towards will become true. So for those who enjoy the odyssey, life is a gift. It’s that gift which makes powerful phenomenon like ‘tears of happiness’ possible, even if we’d never actually reach the destination we planned for. So at the end of my short stay on Earth, it is these moments of subtle permanence that I expect to relive in memories with eyes closed and cracked lips smiling. An endless list of God-fatherly times to the most notorious secrets which’ll perish with me.


I brought my bike to a stop in the underground parking area. Then slowly looked around. Cars were carefully parked everywhere; some had drivers sitting inside with mysterious expressions. I walked towards the entry door. Just before stepping on the stairs, I paused and looked behind. Amid the black and grey and deep blue herd of cars, my white Twister shone like a majestic unicorn.The parking guard looked at me suspiciously as a stood a minute longer than usual. Everything around me was the same. Everything but me.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Confession : A CRIME I committed

What was it that I could not control that day. That I could see it working, and there seemed nothing I could do about it than let it flow. It was not a reflex action, but what made me strongly feel that it is?
Looking in his eyes, I felt the demon that silently lay within. The demon of selfishness. But the demon was not his, it was mine. His eyes seemed to be a mere reflection of what lay within me, and this observation, devoid of all logic and reasoning, stood there in it's bare rawness confessing a strange truth.

"Yes I bribed him, who the fuck cares?" protested logic. Selfishness? It's not bad. All humans are inherently selfish, and it doesn't matter if I was too.
The gnawing reality lay like a dead body hovering upon me, much aware of the crime, much aware of it's implications - none in quantity, but as a irreparable stroke on the purest element of one's existence - Integrity.

Integrity - the source. Foundations of existence since unrecorded history, relying on a single boulder of symbolic strength. The bribe was not just a forced transaction, it was a scar on my integrity. A moment of lifelessness trapped me into the transition between the conscious and the sub-conscious. I stayed there looking at myself, as if leaving my body and watching me walk away into nothingness.

I still look back and wish it was different. Wish that the moment wouldn't have existed, or else I would have not let it haunt myself so long by just being simple honest. Honest to myself. That is what I shall be. After all, every cloud has a silver lining...

Friday, August 16, 2013

Ehsaas


Ek baat honto tak hai jo aayi nahi
Bas aankhon se hai jhaankti
Tumse kabhi...mujhse kabhi...kuch lavz hai woh maangti
Jin ko pehn ke hoonto tak aa jaaye woh
Aawaz ki baahon mein baahein daal ke ithlaaye woh
Lekon jo yeh ek baat hai...
Ehsaas hi ehsaas hai.
Khushboo si hai jaise hawa mein tairti
Khushboo jo beawaaz hai
Jiska pata tumko bhi hai...jiski khabar mujhko bhi hai
Duniya se bhi chupta nahi...
Yeh jaane kaisa raaz hai.